My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
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Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.