Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
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the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom