😆this is so true
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I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Mouse
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?