People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
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wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]