Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
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My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do