The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
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“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
You’ll be OK
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Damn what did I do next
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
More like Kate Missington.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do