I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
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toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge