Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please