[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
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THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
*cough*
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Basically.