Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
You Might Also Like
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
No laws when master is gone
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in