If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
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[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.