You Might Also Like
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please