4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
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me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.