If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
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Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.