Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
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That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*