[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
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…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
😂😂
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage