*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
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I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Just why bro?!
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.