*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
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Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.