Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
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-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
United Steaks of America
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either