Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.