you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
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Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
They’re not wrong
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
That’s what I call a flat tire
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”