cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
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It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir