Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
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“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I am having an out of money experience.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.