“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
You Might Also Like
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Donkey Kong sommelier
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.