People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
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Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
secret recipe
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.