No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
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my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.