It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
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Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
thinking about a very short hotdog
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.