Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
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the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
love it when they get my name right
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Ugh but profoundly
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.