Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
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Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”