A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]