it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
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My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Strange
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole