Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
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Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.