ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me