If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
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we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.