4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
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[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Me trying to “trust the process”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
congratulations to them
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”