People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
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If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Who chose this font
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover