I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
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[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”