them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.