Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.