5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
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[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.