*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
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Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*