In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
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Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”