*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.