it’s the silliest best thing
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pls suprot
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy