Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
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I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Driving in Europe vs Canada
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
#dalle2
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.