ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
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I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I have so many questions.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE