Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
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Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
🤣dope
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
It’s a gift
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Who knew!
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”