I only look at Wordle for the articles
You Might Also Like
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
🤔😂😂
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.