You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
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Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
don’t we all
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.