*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
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I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Happy Star Wars day!
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
i really liked this one
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.